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Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Living with Seperation Anxiety

So I have mentioned that I have had some changes in my life and there have been long silences on the blog. I struggle when I feel that I can't blog honestly and openly so....the rest of the story (at least as I see it). On December 30th, I thought that I would be celebrating my 13th wedding anniversary. I never (well maybe never is a stretch) would have thought it was the beginning of the end of my marriage. The specific details are not really that important. On the 30th, he decided he was done. I can't say that I was surprised or that I disagreed. Maybe, I was even relieved. The anxiety is what follows:

How do you explain to the wee ones the decisions of their parents? How can they possibly understand and how do we keep this from permanently affecting the rest of their lives? How do we insulate them now and keep their lives happy and healthy?

How do you divide 14 years of a life together? All of the things accumulated and all of the memories associated? There are memories that I have that Wes is the only person in the world who shares those memories. How do you honor the good times while letting go and moving on?

How and when do you tell your family and friends? I was in Louisiana when the decision was made so my family knew....at least most of them. I have been amazed by the outpouring of support from family and friends for the children and I. Some friends had me up for a beverage and conversation when Lily and Graeme went with Wes for their first visitation. I was in a puddle when my whole heart drove away in that truck. They reminded me of how lucky I am to be where I am and to be so loved here. I have had 2 wonderful evenings with friends, a blizzard with a friend and a much needed chat and many cell conversations with friends near and far. I still struggle at times to get the words out and am always amazed at the loving support that is recieved once I do.

How do you put it out there for those that I have met through the adoption community? Well I guess this post answers that and to answer some of the other questions.....

We are doing well, relatively speaking of course. I currently have sole custody and Wes speaks to the kids daily and has weekend visits. Lily and Graeme are reassured daily of our Love for them and that will never change.

So I guess this little Snow Day at home gave me just enough time to contemplate and formulate the way to share this information with all of you. The snow continues to fall and the children continue to play and I am off to cook dinner. It's our new normal and it continues...

14 comments:

Kristin said...

Margaret,
I wish I had the answers you seek. But I don't. I do know this though: keep on loving those babies of yours. Your love will help them adjust to these changes in their lives. They will have moments of doubt, sadness, and frustration. But your abiding love (and that of daddy), will help them.

Know this though, even though we've never met in person and live several states apart, if there is anything at all that I can do to help you, cheer you, whatever, please let me know. :-)

I'll keep up with you here and on FB. Keep on blogging my friend. It's good for the soul-----I love to vent about my life. It drives my kids nuts!

hugs to you all---

Denise said...

Margaret, you know I've been in your situation. I divorced when my boys were 8 and 5. I'm here for you whenever you need me for anything. I'll even send you my phone number if you need one more person to talk to.

Just love those babies. They'll know their loved. And reassure them that they didn't do anything wrong and that their daddy still loves them, even if he is the biggest jerk on the planet (of course don't tell them THAT part! LOL)

You'll make it through this and you will be a stronger and better person, even if you don't feel like it right now.

xoxoxo
Denise

Yoli said...

In the depth of winter I finally learned that there was in me an invincible summer.
~~Albert Camus

Kelley said...

Margaret, I'm so sorry that you've been going through such tough times. I've been divorced before, so I know how heart-wrenching it is. Hang in there--I'm praying for you!

Jill said...

Margaret,
I am visiting today and just want you to know that I will pray for you.

Your children are JUST beautiful and your love for them is VERY apparent...you will do what is best for them.
Blessings,
Jill

FHL said...

Oh Margaret I wish I were close enough to give you a huge hug. My heart breaks to know you are going through this. Hold on to Jesus, he will be your husband, your provider, your hope and light in the darkness. And whenever you need a more tangible reminder of how precious and loved you are, hold those two sweet little bundles of yours close. And KNOW that you, Lily, and Graeme will be continually held in my prayers!

I've been reading the book "The Shack" (for the last umm five weeks) and the one line that just struck such a note in my heart went something along the line of....most people spend all their time worried about the future or delving into their past, when all along we were created to live in the present. As life's been overwhelming me lately, I've been trying to live that simple phrase of living in the present as most of tomorrow will happen and actually fall into place better then my worrying heart imagined...Anyway, this is my rambling way of saying try to take one day at a time. Enjoy your kiddos, focus on the present, and try not to worry about a future that will probably work out even better then your mind is able to conceive right now.

Sending a huge hug and you know where to find me!

Love,
M~

Janelle said...

Dear Margaret,

I've walked with many on this road, and know there is pain, loneliness, and grief now. There is love and joy coming your way as well.

I admire your strength and courage - and will pray for you and your family as you navigate these uncharted waters.

Love,
Janelle

bbmomof2boys said...

Margaret,
You're going through a rough time and I'm so sorry for that. Keep giving those cutie pies hugs and kisses and remind them (like you are doing) that both of you love them very much. I haven't been through this but I know from friends it is very hard. Keep blogging - get your emotions out, reach out to your friends and family. We are all here to support you though this time.

Lots of hugs coming your way and of course prayer for you and your family.

~Carla

Gail said...

Margaret,

You are in my prayers. I have been exactly where you are right now and it was some of the hardest times of my life. My advice is to take care of yourself first, because if you're okay your 2 children will be too. What helped me was prayer, unconditional love of my own family, loving my son constantly, going to counseling for myself and surrounding myself with supportive people. I've been divorced now 22 years and I remember that day when my ex walked out on me like it was yesterday. In hindsight, him leaving me made me a better, stronger person.

My email address is Gailby123 @aol.com. Email me anytime.

big hug, you will get through this and be just fine, I promise.

Gail

amy said...

My sister has experienced this with her 3 kids. I dont know how you feel but know you are prayed for

Kim N Jeff said...

Margaret -

I am so sorry that you are going thru this right now... You and the kids are in my prayers.

redmaryjanes said...

My dear Margaret,
My heart is with you. I have been there. Assure the children that you both love them. Support Wes as their father, even if he is no longer your husband.
I will tell you that the first year is so hard, but it gets better all of the time after that. Soon you will have a new and happier life and be at peace. The children will adjust and it will be ok.
I am sending a lot of love your way. You will be in my prayers.

Cupcakes and Hairbows said...

I'm so sorry for your difficult days. You know, blogging is somewhat theraputic!

Donna said...

Margaret, I stopped by your blog to check on little Graeme and was very surprised by this post...I'm so very sorry. I can imagine this road will be hard, especially in the beginning. But, I know you'll be fine in the end, reassuring those little ones every minute. I'm glad you felt comfortable enough to post it, so that we can send support and prayers. Hang in there, friend.
Donna