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Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Suspended in Time

I just read on a friend's blog how calm and relaxed she is feeling at this point in her journey. I stopped and said a quiet pray that I hope that this feeling lasts for her throughout the wait. I then began to think about my own feelings. I feel suspended in time, stuck in this void of who knows where. My emotions are so raw and near the surface that the slightest scratch of that tender surface is able to evoke the rawest of emotion from tears to anger to joy. I listen to the sound of Lily laughing and I long to hear Graeme giggle too. I watch her enjoy playing outside on these beautiful Spring days and wonder if he is ever outside feeling the warmth of the sun on his beautiful face. I struggle when I read that someone is complaining about not yet recieving their LOA after only 30 something days and I trully want to scream. I know in my heart that I should not feel anger toward these other parents because their journey is uniquely theirs, but still I do. I maintained my serenity or sanity for the first 100 days of this wait but now...well now is different. I go through the motions of my day and enjoy the moments of joy. At the same time, I am always wondering...when will we go, when will we meet our son, when do I get to see him smile and hear him giggle and comfort him when he is sad. How much longer will we wait.

5 comments:

Waiting for Mia Hope! said...

Margaret...you have every right to feel angry! You have waited WAY to long! I check your blog every day hoping to see those 3 letters of the alphabet and when they are not there I say a prayer for you. I know the pain of waiting to hold your precious one. At this point in time we were already home 2 months with Lauren after referral. I'm probably not even half way to Mia Hope. What a joy to see the updated photos of her but at the same time its a reminder how much she is growing without us. We waited 3 months for our PA when others were getting them in less than 30 days. Why the inconsistency?? I don't get it either. But what I do know is that we have to trust in God that He knows down to the second when we will hold our sweet babies. Its not easy...especially when we have to look at their face day after day knowing its just a signature or approval between us and them. I can't say anything to make you feel better...because it just down right stinks that you have waited this long! But I WILL keep praying for you!!! One thing I have learned is that the moment I say "okay God...its in YOUR hands...I trust you and thank you for helping me" and then I give it up after much wasted energy...it HAPPENS! Strange but true! Sending you a BIG HUG from St. Louis!!!

Kelley said...

Praying for you...I can't imagine how hard it is for you, I'll be honest. But it's OK to feel anything and everything except calm. Hang in there! One day you'll have that sweet boy in your arms...even though that day is no where near soon enough.

Truly Blessed said...

{{{{{{{{BIG HUG}}}}}}}}}

I'm so sorry you're still waiting. Dear Lord, please let Margaret's LOA come soon so she can get to China to meet her little Graeme.

FHL said...

Oh Margaret, I hope you'll be traveling soon. Sending a big hug!

Waitingfaithfully said...

Oh Margaret,

Like everyone else has said, there aren't really any words to make you feel better. And the "no rhyme or reason" part can be extremely frustrating . . . make that beyond extremely.

This quote (by Gloria Gaither) was on my daily calender a couple of days ago . . . I know, I just said words couldn't make you feel better . . .

"We may run, walk, stumble, drive or fly, but never let us lose sight of the reason for the journey, or miss a chance to see a rainbow on the way."

Right now I know that your journey is "crawling", but you haven't lost sight (especially when I know it's all you can think about) . . . Thank goodness that Lily's giggles are "the rainbows on the way". . . may they sustain you . . . and may the Lord hold you up while you are suspended in time.

Continuing to pray, with many others. Every single day, even though it has been another day of waiting, is bringing you one step closer to your Graeme.

Lord, please bring Margarets LOA soon!

Hugs,

Tina