Bad News, Better News

I have probably spent an hour searching for a graphic to describe how I feel tonight and just can't find one. Nothing seems right. I am upset and optimistic at the same time. I have cried and laughed with friends throughout the day. I am frustrated and hopeful. As you can tell, my emotions are all over the place and have been all day. This morning after I fed Graeme and gave him his antibiotic, I peeked in his mouth as I have obsessively done each day since his surgery which was 9 days ago. I saw a black hole. A small black hole but it was a hole in the middle of his suture line. I flipped and felt like crumbling. Graeme was blissfully unaware that his mother was freaking out and was his happy and charming self. I called the physician immediately. Have I stated how much I love our plastic surgeon, Dr. Mark Chariker....well I do. He is not the funniest or warmest of doctors. He is direct and no nonsense and exactly who you want with your child due to his experience. Anyway, he is so busy that it is often difficult to get his staff on the phone. I called and spoke to the receptionist who instantly put his nurse on the phone. I explained the situation to her and she said that we should bring him in to see the doctor. I reminder her that we lived 4 hours away and asked how late I could get there. She then asked more questions....was I sure there was a hole (um....yes, I'm a pediatric speech therapist and I see air bubbles), where the hole was located (right in the middle of his palate), was he bleeding (NO...thank goodness) and then stated she would call me right back. I told Wes, called my best friend Becky who was willing to drop all plans and head out of town with me (I love you Becky!!! thanks for being so wonderful!!!) and jumped in the shower while mentally trying to think of everything I would need to pack so we could leave within an hour. Within 10 minutes, Dr. Chariker called me back. He asked a few more questions and he figured out that the hole was where the soft palate meets the hard palate. This is the most common place for a (can I even type the darn word) fistula to form. He told me that it occurs in approximately 3% of the patients and that there is no need to rush in today. He will see us next week and probably monitor the situation. Graeme's palate was very wide and he was not surprised that this complication occured. He hopes that it will close on it's own but if not (GULP), Graeme will have surgery again in about 6 months. I really don't know what to say after that except that we are hoping and praying for the best. Graeme has done so well and has kept his No-Nos on without fussing. He is just remarkable. Due to the way that his lip was repaired in China, we knew that a fistula in his gum line was possible. Dr. Chariker had repaired this specific place and warned us that he was not sure if it would hold for lack of a better term. Yesterday, the fistula in the gumline opened up. I was disappointed but not upset as I knew this was a possibility. Then, I found the second fistula today and that upset me. I just want it all to be easy for him. I don't want him to have any more surgeries than he needs to and I want to protect him and make it all better. So our bad news....not one but two fistulas, better news....they can possibly heal themselves. Praying for healing and enjoying each funny moment with our little Graeme!